thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize