You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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