I CAN MOONWALK!
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
