when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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