Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
