just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize