she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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