I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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