He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
