I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
