i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
