My nipple is on Facebook.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
