Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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