Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
