i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
