My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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