Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize