I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
