He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
