I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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