I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
