Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
