I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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