I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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