Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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