you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
