i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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