my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
