it was like his penis was on wheels.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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