I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
