She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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