I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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