So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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