What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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