So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Buhtt sex?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize