don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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