Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Did I show you my penis last night?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
