I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize