Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
