I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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