I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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