I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
you had me at cake vodka
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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