I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
