we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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