It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
