I think I died a long time ago.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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