Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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