im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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