I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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