just come out here and I will go home with you...
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
