i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
