I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
