ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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