I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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