The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
