True but thats because hes a fetus.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
